Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
