her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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