just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
