I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
