He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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