i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
