Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize