So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
