The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
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they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
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Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD