Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
