so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
