I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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