I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
