dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
