She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
