my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
