chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Pooping to opera.
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