We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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