I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
