i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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