you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
