I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
