Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
