I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
