The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Randomize
