at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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