i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize