I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
