He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
