I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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