you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
