NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
