My hand turned me down
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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