Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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