The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
