CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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