Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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