i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
