Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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