Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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