dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
