Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My breasts were aching with rage.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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