I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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