I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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