They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
