i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
