Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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