Say something about gay babies.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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