love makes seman taste better
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
