Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
