the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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