I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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