It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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